By Amanda Westcott (Accredited Mental Health Social Worker)
Becoming a parent can bring enormous love, excitement and joy, but it can also bring thoughts that feel frightening, unwanted and completely out of character. A parent may suddenly imagine their baby being harmed accidentally, becoming seriously ill, or even being harmed by the parent themselves. These thoughts can be deeply distressing, particularly when parents worry that having the thought means something about who they are.
When thoughts, images or impulses enter the mind without invitation and feel unwanted and inconsistent with a person’s intentions or values, they may be intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts can occur to anyone, but they can be particularly distressing during the perinatal period, when parents may feel an intense responsibility for keeping their baby safe.
The difference between a thought and an intention
Having an intrusive thought is not the same as wanting something to happen or intending to act. An intention involves wanting or deciding to do something, whereas an intrusive thought is unwanted and occurs without invitation.
For example, a parent might suddenly think, “What if I dropped my baby?” The thought may feel so vivid and frightening that they begin to worry that it means they are dangerous or secretly want to cause harm.
The distress may reflect how strongly the thought conflicts with the parent’s desire to protect their baby. However, distress alone cannot determine what a thought means. Anyone who is uncertain about their thoughts or concerned that they may act on them should speak with a health professional.
Why can intrusive thoughts feel so vivid?
Our brains are designed to notice potential threats. During the perinatal period, parents may become especially alert to anything that could place their baby at risk. Sleep deprivation, anxiety, increased responsibility and the enormous adjustment involved in becoming a parent can all contribute to heightened vigilance.
When something matters deeply to us, our minds may pay more attention to possible threats, even those that are unlikely to occur. This can make an intrusive thought feel vivid and significant, but a thought is not a prediction of what will happen.
Trying to completely eliminate intrusive thoughts can sometimes make them more noticeable. When we tell ourselves, “I must not think about this,” we may inadvertently pay even more attention to the thought.
Why the meaning attached to a thought matters
The meaning parents attach to intrusive thoughts can create additional distress. The thought itself may be frightening, but its interpretation can add further anxiety and shame.
A parent may move from:
“I had a frightening thought.”
to:
“Why did I think that?”
then:
“What does this say about me?”
and eventually:
“What if having this thought means I could actually do it?”
Interpreting an unwanted thought as evidence of being dangerous or a “bad” parent can make the thought feel increasingly significant. A parent may begin checking their reactions, seeking reassurance or avoiding situations that trigger the thought. These responses can keep their attention focused on it and contribute to an ongoing cycle of anxiety and doubt.
When a thought has been understood as intrusive, recognising it as an unwanted mental event—rather than evidence about a person’s intentions or character—may help reduce its power.
What can parents do when an intrusive thought occurs?
Rather than trying to argue with an intrusive thought or find certainty about what it means, parents can practise noticing it without giving it additional importance.
For example:
“I’m noticing a frightening thought. I can allow it to pass without judging myself or trying to work out what it says about me.”
It can also help to:
· Gently return your attention to what you are doing in the present moment.
· Notice when you feel drawn to repeatedly check, seek reassurance or avoid situations because of the thought.
· Practise self-compassion rather than criticism.
· Talk with a health professional if the thoughts are persistent, causing significant distress or interfering with daily life, or if you are uncertain about what they mean.
When to seek support
Parents do not need to work out what their thoughts mean on their own. Speaking openly with a health professional can help them understand what is happening and access appropriate support.
Professional support is particularly important when thoughts are persistent, highly distressing, associated with repeated checking or avoidance, or affecting a parent’s ability to care for themselves or their baby. Parents should also seek support if they are uncertain whether their thoughts are intrusive.
Some experiences require urgent help. This includes wanting or intending to act on thoughts of harm, feeling unable to keep yourself or your baby safe, experiencing confusion or unusual beliefs, or hearing or seeing things that others do not. If there is an immediate risk of harm, call Triple Zero (000) or attend the nearest emergency department.
Having a frightening thought does not, by itself, define a parent or their intentions. Talking about these experiences can be an important first step towards understanding them, reducing shame and finding the right support.
Accessing Support at HMC
If you would like to explore whether Healthy Mind Centre may be the right service for you, please email us at admin@healthymindcentre.com.au to start the triaging process.
Further Information and Support
COPE: Intrusive Thoughts and Perinatal OCD provides further information about intrusive thoughts and perinatal obsessive-compulsive disorder.
PANDA provides information and support for expecting and new parents and their families. You can also call the PANDA National Helpline on 1300 726 306.
Parent Line Tasmania provides information and support to parents and carers 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Call 1300 808 178.