Top 5 calm down strategies for kids, according to a psychologist.

Do you ever struggle with strategies to get your kids to regulate their emotions or behaviour? Try out these ideas, and be sure to let us know how you go.

1. Slow, deep breathing.

Asking a child to do slow breaths can be “boring”. Tell your child to do some “cake breathing” - breathe in like they are smelling a freshly-baked birthday cake, then once they have a lungful of air, tell them to breathe out like they are blowing out birthday candles. Older children can breathe in like they are smelling some other preferred scent (chocolate chip cookies just out the oven, anyone?), and breathe out like they are blowing on a spoonful of hot soup.

2. Movement.

Getting active is one of the best ways of shaking off distress. Younger kids love a spontaneous dance party to a catchy song, and older kids can often be redirected into chucking a ball around or having a jump on the trampoline. Bonus points if parents get involved in this one too!

3. Sensory input.

Whilst we don’t recommend using food as a strategy to manage emotions, tasting something with a strong taste is a great strategy for redirecting attention. Other sensory strategies can include touching something squishy or slimy, or pausing and noticing different sounds you can hear inside and outside over a 30 second period.

4. Kindness and compassion.

Doing something special for someone else is a great way to get out of a negative mood and feel good again. Younger kids love making a card or present for someone, and older children can help prepare a meal or self-care activity for an important person.

5. Time in.

Whilst distraction and redirection are great, nothing beats a cuddle and some reflection about and validation of your feelings, no matter what your age is! Take some time to sit with your child and reflect what emotions you see them feeling, and let them know all feelings are ok and you are right there with them.

Olivia Boer is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private allied health practice in Launceston, Tasmania. 

What to expect when you are referred to a psychologist

You take the morning off work and head to your GP, with the plan on telling then you have been struggling with feeling stressed, not sleeping well, or feeling low or flat. Perhaps you are often feeling angry, or beginning to feel like you don’t want to live like this anymore. When you see your GP, they ask you some questions and assess how things are going. You fill out a short questionnaire about how you have been feeling, and then your GP says it…

I would like to refer you to a psychologist.

Your GP completes some paperwork, generally including a Mental Health Treatment Plan and a referral to the psychologist (or Mental Health Social Worker/Occupational Therapist), and tell you to contact the psychologist to make an appointment. Alternately the psychologist may contact you when they receive the referral.

You will usually organise an initial appointment on the phone, and the psychologist or their receptionist will let you know if you need to complete any paperwork and should let you know any terms, such as the clinician’s details, cancellation notice periods, session fees and rebate information. You can request a copy of all this information in writing. You may need to wait a while for an appointment, depending on the clinician’s wait list time. You can often request an earlier appointment if it comes up sooner, and you can make yourself available at short notice.

Then your first appointment comes around

Try to arrive 10-15 minutes early to complete any paperwork, and allow yourself to catch your breath and get comfortable in the surroundings. You might want to jot down any concerns you have if you are worried you might forget them. Your clinician will come and greet you, and you will go with them to their consult room. The initial appointment is often mostly for gathering information about your difficulties and any relevant history, as well as completing some basic assessments and creating a treatment plan. Your clinician will usually share this information with you at the end of the first appointment, including their recommendations about what happens next. Once the appointment is over, you pay for the session (or sign a bulk bill form if it’s a bulk-billing clinician - we don’t offer this at HMC) and book in future appointments. Often future appointments are fortnightly, but sometimes they are a little more frequent or spaced out further.

Congratulations!

It's now time to give yourself a little bit of space to process that you have done it! You have commenced treatment and taken the first step toward optimising your life. Now you have a safe person in your team, that will help you work toward becoming the best version of yourself.

Olivia Boer is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private allied health practice in Launceston, Tasmania. 

Tips for ending therapy successfully

By Catherine Bishop.

I think we often focus on how to start therapy successfully and how to know if it is working but we can forget that ending therapy well is just as important. Here are some quick tips for ending therapy well:

1)      Start with spacing sessions out

Talk with your therapist about increasing the amount of time between appointments.  If you have been seeing your therapist fortnightly consider spacing sessions to monthly and then maybe to every second month.  This is a good way to allow time to strengthen the skills that you have already learnt in therapy and to see if there are any other skills that you may be missing.  Spacing sessions out is a good way for you to see how you will manage when you are no longer seeing your therapist and if there are any other challenges that you had not spoken about yet. 

2)      Don’t end therapy as soon as you start feeling better

A lot of people make this mistake of cancelling all their appointments as soon as they start to feel good. I find that many people that do this will then quickly return to therapy when things start to slip again.  It is great that you are starting to feel better but it is important to remember that this is a really good time to get more practice in the skills you have been learning in a supported way.  It is often easier to practice the skills when your emotions are not as overwhelming as when you first came in. It also means you have the opportunity to plan ahead for future challenges (see the next tip).  It is often forgotten that therapy is not just for people who are struggling with their mental health - sometimes when you are feeling well this can also offer a chance to explore other opportunities for personal growth and living a more meaningful and fulfilling life as you are no longer so consumed with big emotions. 

3)      Have a staying on track plan

Make a staying on track (or relapse prevention) plan with your therapist.  This should include strategies and skills that you have for coping; difficult situations that may come up in the future and how you are going to handle them; warning signs that things are starting to go downhill (so you can catch it early and use your strategies to get back on track); signs that you need some extra support again; and ways to get extra support (this may be from friends, family members, a partner, or professional supports such as your therapist).  Having a written plan is really useful for you to be able to go back to if you are stuck.  Hopefully you don’t need it but it’s better to have it in case you do – it’s kind of like taking your first aid kit on a bush walk – you don’t take it with the intention of getting bitten by a snake but it’s there if you need it.     

4)      Keep practising your strategies after therapy ends

Keep any handouts and your staying on track plan in a safe place and review these regularly.  Practice the skills you have learnt so you don’t get rusty and can easily use them when you need them.  Otherwise it can be very easy to forget.  The first question I ask people if they return to therapy is if they have been using their strategies!         

5)     Remember that you can always come back

The door won’t lock behind you.  Sometimes life challenges can bring up old problems again and you may need some support in refreshing your skills or learning some new ones.  Sometimes people just need a few extra sessions as a top up, kind of like your booster shot when you have a vaccination.  Often it is easier the next time as you already know how it works!    

Catherine Bishop is a psychologist and clinical psychology registrar at Healthy Mind Centre Launceston.

The Importance of Positive Attention

Most parents who are dealing with behaviour problems in their children notice that things are starting to get a bit negative around their home. More negative than positive. It starts to seem like much of the time, their interactions with their kids include some kind of asking them to do something (for the 100th time!), threatening consequences, or venting that no-one helps around here. From the kid’s perspective, their parents are always on their back or nagging about something. An excellent recipe for irritable households where no-one is enjoying anyone’s company much.

This happens even when the kids aren’t displaying serious behaviour problems.

For example, Mum and/or Dad are stressed because of XYZ and are feeling a little tired and irritable anyway, or maybe they are running late to school drop-off. And the kids just won’t get ready/make their bed/find their shoes, no matter how many times they ask or threaten to dock pocket money. Sound familiar?

The things is, when things are negative for a while, kids (and adults) can start to tune out and stop paying attention to what is being said. What is the point? They just get yelled at anyway and most interactions leave everyone feeling cranky. Why would anyone be tuned into that kind of relationship?

I want you to stop and think about a negative relationship that you have had with an important person in your life, or someone who was in an authority position. Perhaps an awful ex-boss or your cranky old maths teacher. What is it that defined that person? What were their attributes? How did these attributes affect your relationship with them? How motivated were you to work for them, going the extra mile to do your best? Hint: probably not very much.

Now, think about a really positive relationship you have had, an excellent supervisor or that awesome teacher you had in Grade 9. What was it about them that made them awesome? What were their personal attributes? How hard did you try to work your best for them? If you are like most people, you probably tried a whole lot more.

The key difference between these two people is the degree of positive attention they provided.

When your child is feeling irritable from all the negativity in the house, what kind of boss do they see you as? The bad boss! So, how motivated are they going to be to work hard and go the extra mile for you?

Increasing the level of positive attention you pay your child will help to change that uneven balance of negative to positive interactions and help both the household, and the parent-child relationship to become a bit happier. This can be done in a variety of ways. Tune into our next blog post for some tips and tricks! (You can do this easily by following our facebook page or subscribing to our email list).

Olivia Boer is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private allied health practice in Launceston, Tasmania. 

The ABCs of behaviour

Aay, bee, cee, dee, eee, eff... sorry, got a little off track there. Lots of ABCs going on both at home and at HMC Launceston these days. Which brings me to todays blog topic: What are the ABCs of behaviour. 

A is for Antecedents

Or Anticipating a behaviour, depending on who you talk to. For both options, it means what is happening immediately before a behaviour occurs. It can be something happening in the individual's environment, or it can be an internal event such as an individual's thought or feeling. 

B is for behaviour

This one is pretty obvious; it's the actual behaviour that occurs. Remember, behaviours can also be what we want to see occurring, not just a "problem behaviour" that we want to reduce in frequency (how often it happens), intensity (how big/strong it gets), or duration (how long the behaviour goes for).

C is for consequences

Understanding the consequences of a behaviour, or what happens immediately after a behaviour occurs, is almost as important as understanding the behaviour itself. This is because consequences are VERY important in determining whether a behaviour is more or less likely to occur again the next time the individual is in a similar situation. 

Why do we care about understanding behaviour?

Our actions can have significant implications for our social, emotional, and educational/occupational functioning. Being able to understand why a particular behaviour is occurring what what can be done to increase or decrease the likelihood of that behaviour occurring can make our lives, and the lives of those around us far more pleasant, happy, and less stressful. 

Putting it all together

Think about the following example: Jimmy, aged 4 and his Mum are at the supermarket. Jimmy doesn't want to stay next to the shopping trolley (even for some Coles Mini's at the end) and runs off to the other end of the supermarket isle (the Behaviour). What happened immediately before (Jimmy seeing a big long expanse of space to run in) and immediately after (Jimmy's Mum running after him yelling for him to come back, which is quite exciting for Jimmy whilst she chases him around the supermarket) can make Jimmy more likely to do the same thing next time him and his mum go shopping. By changing the antecedents (for example, Jimmy's mum clearly establishing rules, what will happen if he breaks the rules, and giving him his own shopping list to follow) and the consequences (for example, Jimmy's Mum requiring him to hold her hand throughout the rest of the shopping trip), we can expect that Jimmy's behaviour to be closer to what his mum would like, next time. 

One final point...

When we are attempting to shape/change another person's behaviour, it is important to remember that reducing a problem behaviour is not enough. We also need to reinforce the desired behaviour (what we want to see the individual doing next time), so the individual has something to replace their old behaviour with. 

If you need some help with behaviour (yours or someone else's), have a chat to one of our clinicians who can help you work it all out. 

Olivia Boer is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private allied health practice in Launceston, Tasmania. 

What causes children's misbehaviour?

It's really easy to blame someone when kids are being naughty, oppositional, or defiant. "They are just so difficult...", "She is doing this for attention!", or "He is just like his father!" are common ideas that come to mind. Especially when your child just won't cooperate, listen, or do what they are asked. 

Often, though, we might not understand the child's behaviour enough to accurately pinpoint what causes the behaviour, and why it keeps happening.

As parents, we try the strategies we have been told, the things we saw our friend do, or what our own parents did with us. And yet, the oppositionality continues. We read a parenting website, Google "What do I do when my kid won't behave?", and find ourselves getting frustrated and yelling more than we would like. Then they talk back to us and run off. 

There are a few key steps to understanding children's behaviour that we will be looking at over the coming weeks. The first is an idea discussed by Dr Russell Barkley, one of the pioneers in ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder research, in his behavioural parent training work. Dr Barkley notes there are four main causes of, or contributors to children's misbehaviour. 

1. Child Factors

These include a wide range of child-specific problems including temperament (including inherited predispositions toward irritability, low frustration tolerance, and anger), impulsivity, attentional problems, learning problems, intellectual and developmental difficulties, sensory sensitivities, activity levels, emotional regulation ability, physical characteristics (including motor coordination, stamina, and appearance), etc. It is not difficult to see how these child-specific elements can lead to conflict with parents or caregivers. It is also easy to see how child misbehaviour can be solely attributed to these characteristics. However, according to Dr Barkley, another key element that contributes to child misbehaviour is parent factors. 

2. Parent Factors

Parent factors are not that different to child factors, but they definitely impact how parents interact with their children and manage their kids' behaviour problems. Parent factors can include things like (you guessed it!): temperament, impulsivity, learning and intellectual difficulties, emotional regulation ability, physical characteristics, etc, etc. Pretty much all the same things that kids bring to the equation. Because (and it's really important to remember this), parent-child interactions are bi-directional. They go two ways; parent to child, and child to parent. Unless one of you is a robot of course, and in that case, you are reading the wrong blog. 

3. Family Stress Events

There are a wide range of stressful events or situations that families can experience, that can also contribute to children's misbehaviour. These can include significant or catostrophic events like the death of a family member, exposure to family violence, family separation or restructuring, loss of stable housing, or loss of financial security. Less severe events also are worth a mention here, including financial strain, marital discord, tense relationships with relatives, etc. 

Now, at this point a lot of families tell me they can't do anything about these factors. And they are largely right. We are stuck with genetic predispositions, can't do a lot about our in-laws, and that physical characteristic is largely permanent. There may be some things you can do to modify some of these factors though. And, if you can, the time is now. Go and seek some financial counselling, set some limits with your extended family members, and get a health check-up with your GP. 

This brings me to the final factor, the one you really CAN do something about. 

4. Situational Consequences. 

Now, I'm not going to go into detail here as this area definitely deserves it's own post. But for now, be assured that understanding how that happens around the same time as the child's behaviour can a) help you to better understand why the problem behaviour keeps happening, and b) help you to understand what needs to happen to change it. 

Keep a lookout for our next post to learn more, and leave a comment if there are any topics you would like us to explain further. 

Olivia Boer is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private allied health practice in Launceston, Tasmania. 

Help! My child won't do what they are asked and my home is becoming a miserable place.

To follow on from our series on stress, I thought I might shift into another problem we commonly see at HMC Launceston: unhappy homes and negative relationships between parents and their kids or teens. To the point where you love each other of course, but you really don't like each other sometimes. Obviously, this is a huge source of stress for all involved. And sometimes things get to the point when you need a bit of help. An outside perspective with some ideas about why all those things you are trying (time out, reward charts, negotiating like a rational person) aren't working. 

The thing is, kids and teens often aren't logical and rational. 

Especially when big feelings are involved. Add in some big feelings from parents, who may be struggling with their own emotions, thoughts, behaviours, and life-stressors, and it's no wonder things start going downhill. 

The thing is, most humans benefit from more structure. Most kids definitely benefit from clear behavioural expectations and routines, and parents certainly benefit from being proactive rather than reactive, and being confident in their parenting plan. This is where something called "Behavioural Parent Training" comes in. 

Behavioural parent training doesn't mean you need to be trained on how to parent. 

As parents, we are typically the ones who know our children the best of anyone. Especially in the younger years. And you definitely know your family. But parents typically don't have a background in a behavioural science, such as psychology, and this is where a health professional might come in. We walk the path together and combine our respective expertise; your expertise on your family and your child, and our expertise on the application of behaviour change theory.

Our next blog series will be all about the important things to know when things aren't going so well at home. We will be investigating some the works of a pioneer in this area, Dr Russell Barkley, a clinical psychologist in the US and international expert on ADHD, as well as a couple of other key researchers in the field. Follow our blog series through facebook (@hmclaunceston) or the HMC Launceston website for more tips and to find out more!

Olivia Boer is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private allied health practice in Launceston, Tasmania. 

So, you think you can breathe?

Most people could benefit from slowing down and relaxing a bit more. We get caught up in our busy lives, rushing around, and all of a sudden it's the end of the day. Then it's the end of the week. And before we know it, another year has passed. 

How many times over the past year did you purposely slow down and relax?

Really slow down, I mean. Stop, breathe, connect with the moment. Focus on calming down any physiological stress or tension in your body. Maybe you had a massage a few months ago, and there WAS that week off over Christmas. But, actually, that week was mostly spent running back and forth between various relatives and trying to manage overtired and overstimulated children. And while you were having that massage you were actually planning your partner's birthday present for next week and what you had to get done at work that afternoon. Hmmm. 

The problem is often our attitude. I'm not saying we don't believe relaxing is important. But... how often do you prioritise rushing over relaxing? Our attitude and judgements make this really hard. We often don't truly believe that it needs to come first, or that other things or other people can generally wait. Instead, we rush all day and then at the end of the day we flop on the couch and scroll through facebook for the rest of the evening. Yes, when sitting down are bodies are slowing down. Technically. But this doesn't really give our minds an opportunity to slow down too. 

This is where breathing comes in. 

By purposefully and intentionally stopping to prioritise relaxation (such as breathing practice), we are changing our behaviours. Changing our behaviours can help us to develop new habits, spend more time doing what is meaningful and brings vitality to our lives, and help us to challenge some of those unhelpful attitudes and judgements. Breathing helps us focus, and calms down our physiological stress response. 

But I've been breathing my whole life, I hear you say. 

Well, of course. But automatic, everyday breathing isn't the same as intentional, focused breathing. What's worse is when our everyday breathing becomes stressed, shallow, and a little too fast. Diaphragmatic (or slow, deep, "belly") breathing can help us undo this, by using our lungs to their full potential. See, when we are stressed we can hyperventilate, or "over-breathe". This results in an imbalance between our oxygen and carbon dioxide levels in our body. By breathing too quickly, we get a sharp drop in our carbon dioxide levels. This causes our blood vessels to constrict, chest pain or heart palpitations, dizziness, and a sensation of not getting enough air (amongst other things). Although this isn't dangerous, it is uncomfortable and if you are prone to anxiety, can lead you to misinterpret what is happening in your body as something really bad, leading to higher stress and over-breathing even more! Hello, panic attack! Slowing down your breaths, and using your full lungs to breathe deeply assists us to re-balance our carbon dioxide and oxygen levels. Doing this intentionally, with an attitude that relaxation is essential and is worth prioritising over other less-essential parts of our lives, can help us start to slow down and relax. 

How do we breathe this way, then?

First, find a quiet place where you are unlikely to be interrupted for 10 minutes. A comfy place such as your bed or favourite chair works well. If all else fails, head to the toilet if that's the only place you won't be bothered. If you have young children, pick your time when someone else is around to help out, or when they are taking a nap. Or when Paw Patrol is on. Whatever works. Put on some slow, relaxing music or nature sounds. 

Start by breathing normally, about 3 seconds in - brief pause - 3 seconds out - brief pause. Gradually extend this to a four second cycle, and keep extending as far as it feels comfortable. Let your belly relax and extend. This is not the time for sucking your tummy in. Let your shoulders hang. Expel all the air from your lungs and allow them to refill. As you breathe in, imagine you are taking a huge whiff of something delicious. Freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies or the like. Breathe in a big lungful and allow your belly to expand. Pause, and breathe out like you are blowing on a spoonful of piping hot chicken soup. Enough to cool it, but not enough to splatter it everywhere. Chocolate-chip cookies - pause - chicken soup - pause. Chocolate-chip cookies - pause - chicken soup - pause. Focus your mind on the sensation and experience of breathing, and when you choose to finish, reflect on what it feels like in your body and what it was like to purposefully stop and prioritise your mental well-being. 

Try it. I'd love to hear how you go. 

Olivia Boer is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private allied health practice in Launceston, Tasmania. 

The importance of being "present"

We often fail to recognise the impact our thoughts have on our emotional well-being. It's pretty easy to recognise when you are feeling a negative emotion, after all, it feels bad. We feel tense, irritable, stressed-out. Sometimes, we recognise our behaviours that are associated with these feelings. We withdraw, stomp around, or pace the hallways. But what about our thoughts?

Actually, it all starts with our thoughts...

Wait, what? Our thoughts come first? Well, yes, according to CBT, or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy theory. This idea suggests that it's our interpretations of situations that lead to a particular feeling and set of actions. Helpful, realistic, coping-oriented thoughts or interpretations lead to helpful, realistic, coping-oriented feelings and behaviours. And vice versa. Extreme, unhelpful thoughts, that overestimate how bad something is or how likely it is the bad thing is going to happen (or overestimate how bad something was that actually happened), lead to extreme feelings, and extreme behaviours. But what does this have to do with being present?

Being "present" means being in the here and now.

Having our attention focused on our experience right in this moment. Connecting with what is actually happening right here, right now. It's a concept called "Mindfulness", and it's making it's way into many therapy rooms across the globe. But why is is helpful to be mindful? Well, think about when we are having those stressed thoughts. The ones about last week, or yesterday, or this afternoon, or next year. When we spend time up in our heads, time-travelling with our thoughts, it takes us away from what is right in front of us. The important things. The things that bring meaning, richness, and connection to our lives. Our children. Our gardens. What is on our dinner plate. Well, these things bring richness to my life. Whatever brings richness to your lives is what you might want to spend some more time engaging with. 

So, how does one be present?

Well, there are lots of ways actually. But a good place to start is to think about your five senses. Sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell. Your senses tell you about this exact moment. What you hear is occurring right now. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. This very moment. Same for the other senses. I like to show my clients an activity called the 5,4,3,2,1 game, to help them start to connect with their present experience (and disconnect from their time-travelling stressed thoughts). It involves noticing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. You CAN mix up the order, but I find this version works well.

Try it now. And next time you are eating dinner, or in the shower, or going for a walk. And notice whether that experience added richness and meaning to your life. Then recognise that now, you have the ability to be present and connected with the here and now. There are heaps of other ways to add richness and meaning to your life. Reach out to your therapist to find out more. 

Olivia Boer is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private psychology practice in Launceston, Tasmania. 

Your bucket is overflowing...

So, you have worked out you are stressed, tried some basic strategies, and are now keeping track of your stress levels (if you haven't done this, go back and have a look at our last two blog posts here). But how do you put it all together?

One nice, neat analogy is the stress bucket. Essentially, most people have a bit of stress (or SUDS of 3/10). This can be thought of as a bucket 3/10th full. When your bucket is just under a third full, then you have just over two thirds left of capacity before your emotional bucket overflows. Now, not everyone starts at the same place. People who have very little stress, or great resilience, start off with a little less. People who have a lot going on, or lots of things topping up their bucket, start off with a bit more. Or a lot more.

If you are starting out with a bucket half-full (wow, that sounds optimistic hey!) or two thirds full of stress, then you have less coping capacity to deal with stressful things that happen. If you have a large amount of stressful things happening, and your resilience is low, you might find yourself sitting at 95%. Then, all it takes is one more (sometimes small) thing and whoosh, your bucket overflows. 

Now for some people an overflowing bucket looks like bursting into tears, or yelling at your children, or saying out loud that statement you have fantasised screaming at your boss. Or maybe it's getting into bed, turning over to face the wall and pulling the covers up. And for those who are struggling the most, thinking that there is no way out and our bucket will be like this forever. Or that the bucket can't be emptied. 

You CAN get your bucket levels down. Sometimes it's by reducing the amount of stress coming into your bucket (life), sometimes it's getting more effective at letting it out. Mostly it's a combination of both. But often we aren't sure how to do this on our own, and that's where someone like a psychologist, counsellor, or your GP can help you move into a less-stressed and healthier head space. 

Olivia Boer is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Healthy Mind Centre Launceston, a private psychology practice in Launceston, Tasmania.